Week 3-4: My evolving relationship with fear of conflict
Haymakers for Hope Boxing Journey
“Come on, hit her!”
Boom. Pow. Boom. Boom. Pow.
Fists flying to my face, to my forehead, my eye, my nose.
My nervous system took a second to adjust.
My eyes switched.
A new identity came out. Someone I did not recognize. An alter ego. One that looked at my opponent and immediately switched to attack.
Bam. Boom. Bam. I countered. At least I think so. It was really a blur.
Before I knew it, the sparring session was over. I survived.
Coach began saying something to me, but my throat started to close up. A wave of anxiety started hitting me and I started hyperventilating. I just started to process what just happened, the feeling of being attacked in a fight. Waves of emotions from the fight or flight poured out. Like water bursting through a dam. Maybe it was epinephrine. Who knows. I took off my gloves and ran outside in the dark hallway.
In the hallway, I started processing. I didn’t want to cry, but I could feel the emotions coming out. I didn’t want to make a whole show of it in front of the gym, in front of the fighters, in front of coach.
What struck me the most (figurative and metaphorically, and physically) was the switch in the moment when I decided to punch back. All the years of suppressed emotions, of people pleasing, of making myself small in order to cater to other people’s ego, of fear of conflict. All came out at once.
Flashes of the memories of when I could tell when someone could read me, eyes showing knowingly that I was weaker, and knew they had an advantage based on their perception of me. All exploded.
My first real sparring session in the books.
I went home to take a shower, and laid in bed for 3 hours just processing emotions. For the first time, I learned to defend the little girl inside of me. I discovered my own strength, and realize that behind every person’s mask is also a scared child. I learned that it is okay to protect myself, to fight for myself, to advocate for my own needs. Like a lioness, you must first be strong before you protect your tribe. The world is a hard place, and you must strengthen your inner self to face the realities. But life is also beautiful, and every moment of this journey has brought me so much pure joy that I am appreciating every day.
My Fighter Profile: Click here